April 15, 2026–Have you ever wanted to call yourself an “award winning” whatever-it-is-you-do?
Maybe it’s an award-winning plumber.
Or an award-winning wedding cake baker.
Or an award-winning human resources manager. Or dog walker. Or seat filler.
I always wanted to call myself an “award winning” writer. The trouble is I have never won any awards for writing. I’m not alone. There are no Oscars for 90% of the jobs we actually have.
But why aren’t there? In addition to movie stars, scientists have Nobel Prizes, journalists have the Pulitzer, and chefs can be declared “Iron.” Why should it be any different for someone in mid-management?
The film industry itself is a marathon of awards. There is no other vocation that so enjoys giving itself trophies and titles, except maybe banking.
The Academy Awards (Oscars) has 24 categories.
This includes the major ones like Best Picture, Best Director, acting categories, writing, technical crafts (cinematography, editing, visual effects), and others such as animated feature, documentary, and shorts. There is even an Achievement in Casting category, for someone excellent at finding those Best Actors.
The Nobel Prize had six categories: Physics, Chemistry, Physiology or Medicine, Literature, Peace, and the Sveriges Riksbank Prize in Economic Sciences. Who can’t recite the last five winners of the Riksbank Prize?
The Pulitzer Prize has 23 categories. These cover 15 categories of journalism, plus letters, books, drama, music, and photography awards. Alack, nothing for column writing.
That’s just on the international scene. Locally, every theater group, chamber of commerce, and community club keeps the trophy-makers busy. Hardly a week passes without some group holding a dinner and handing out certificates for “fill-in-the-blank of the year”–volunteer, leader, donor, mentor, and “the guy who stays and cleans up after the awards dinner.”
Scouts pin badges on sashes, martial arts students add stripes to their belts. In 4-H we earned ribbons for keeping a record book with rate-of-gain charts for our steers.
Years ago, while running a state-wide association, I was surprised at the cutthroat approach some members took trying to win awards for their pet programs. It became a contentious experience, with hard feelings and questionable practices. How was it fair, some cried, for a giant metropolitan school with a staff of 12 to compete against a program in Dime Box run part-time by the lunchroom supervisor?
Finally, I realized that the “outstanding program” awards were not actually for the benefit of awarding outstanding programs, but for the benefit of the folks back home. All these directors wanted was a chance to parade their latest achievement in front of their school boards. So I changed the criteria from one of competition based on questionable metrics, to one where every school that entered took home a generically-named Community Service Award.
I know, I know. That sounds like the old “give every kid a ribbon” trope. But this was not a parochial school 50-yard dash. The only purpose of the award was so that members could generate a press release telling how their program was recognized at the state level. No one had to know that every entrant got one. The members were happy, their school administrators were proud, and the taxpayers had no reason to write a Letter To The Editor about wasteful junkets. Everyone did win.
So if you want to get in on this awards gravy train, here’s how to do it–make up a category, print out a certificate, write a press release, and set off on your “award winning” career.