Spinach in teethFeb 28, 2024–As a kid I remember first seeing the Jeopardy category “Potpourri.” I was not familiar with the word, but after watching I soon learned it meant “place to use up leftover material that all together wasn’t enough to make up an entire category with one theme.”

I could use that someday, I thought…

Category: Weirdly Specific Fortune Cookies

You will develop a rash under your arms

You have spinach in your teeth

You will fail miserably at the next thing you attempt

While you’re reading this the waiter is skimming your credit card number

Hope you didn’t order the kung pao shrimp today

Our sous chef is a felon

Your dining companion was in here last week with an older man

A car will run you down in the parking lot

Your server remembers how much you tipped last time: Enjoy your meal

Help Wanted: Our food prep person is also cleaning restrooms

That stuff stuck on the bottom of your chair is not gum

Category: Hill Country Roadside Historical Marker

For decades, this roadside crossroads with a natural spring has been a popular place for travelers to pull over to relieve themselves, vomit, consult roadmaps, and transfer packages between UPS vans.

The spot was named for Justice P. Hooterwinkel, an early settler with a fourth-grade education, who was tragically killed while searching for “Bear Bottom Springs,” not understanding it was named for indigent wildlife.

Category: The Simpsons

I started watching the Simpsons in 1989 and identified with 10-year-old Bart. Bart the troublemaker, class clown, questioner of the status quo. He upset many reviewers and educators with his impertinence.

Then I soon realized that Homer was the real star of the show. He was the foil against which every other character played. I could relate to his issues with his wife, his son, his precocious daughter, his boss, etc.

Today, I am Grandpa Simpson. I wear slippers and sweats, yell at the sky, take naps, and tell pointless stories.

Hot diggity-dog.

Speaking of grandpas…

Category: Rejected Names for Subsidized Senior Housing Developments

Cat Lady Acres

Geriatric Oaks

Penultimate Plots

Octogenarian Warehouse

Oma’s Homes

Condos R Us

Category: Needlessly Complicated Games

Have any of you tried to learn mahjong?

It’s more confusing than Calvinball.

There are PUNGs, KONGs, QUINTs, curtsies, NEWS, Charlestons, jokers, Dragons, Winds, and “years.”

The directions are insane:

“To pick up a tile, it must complete a PUNG, KONG or quint (5 identical tiles, with use of a joker) for an exposed hand. Remember to never pick up for a concealed hand, unless it is the final tile needed to declare Mahjong.

Players may use one or more jokers for the exposed pung/kong/quint.

Players cannot pick up a discarded tile for a single or a pair unless it is the final tile necessary to declare Mahjong. This is one of the most important rules when playing Mahjong.

Accordingly, except to declare Mahjong, players cannot pick up a discarded tile to complete “NEWS” or to complete the year (ex. “2021”), as these are a group of singles.

The player who picks up a tile must expose the pung/kong/quint on top of the rack for all to see”.

And don’t ever get “exposed.”

“Once a player exposes part of a hand, the exposure cannot be touched again throughout the game unless to replace a joker with the correct tile.”

I know you Mahjong-iacs will mock my ignorance of a 200-year-old Chinese game. But there are people who still watch cartoons, believe in fortune cookies, and enjoy potpourri.