July 3, 2019–Time for my sesquiannual purge of ideas that don’t rise to column-worthiness.

  • Finally figured out why I so viscerally hate puns. Because they impede communications. Puns are annoying distractions from whatever you are trying to say. Plus they never end. Try extracting yourself from a conversation with a punster.
  • Father’s Day quote from my child: “When it comes to parenting, dad is always out in left field, but when the ball comes his way he handles it.”
  • I don’t believe anything anymore. At a recent family event, I listened to siblings tell three childhood stories about me. Nothing they said matched my memories. And I was there.
  • The worst part of aging? Not the ailments, but the remedies–the endless ads for dentures, incontinence, ED, Medicare supplements, and reverse mortgages.
  • If heaven is such “a better place” how come no one wants to go?
  • As a kid I wondered how people were fooled just by Superman putting on a pair of black glasses. But I’ve had several people not recognize me wearing glasses. I am Clark Kent.
  • I hate good listeners. They make me overtalk and say stupid things.
  • You can tell a writer by the blue dots at the shirt pocket bottom seam.
  • What phenomenon causes sweat pants to come out of the dryer as Mobius constructs?
  • When you post 47 photos of your family reunion online, it invokes the same dread as seeing the Kodak Carousel come out at a 1970s dinner party.
  • Maybe all those people who warned us about the dangers of reading comic books as kids had a point.
  • I’m bracing for a generation of government officials and CEOs named Kaitlyn, Makalya, Brittani, Brandon, Hunter, and Colt.
  • At this point in life, my only path to success is some as yet unborn person discovering my songs and writings and making me a cult hero.
  • When I asked a husband his secret for staying married 60 years, he said, “I guess it’s more or less doing whatever she told me to do.”
  • Isn’t it interesting how now that virtually everyone on the planet holds a personal video recording device, we never see UFOs or Yeti?
  • What are we supposed to do when you tell us to “be safe?” There’s a tornado/ hurricane/ hailstorm coming your way… be safe. Give us more to work with.
  • Plymouth Voyager is an acronym for “Move a ugly trophy.”
  • I notice that millennials who overshare everything on social media, also are the worst at responding to emails, texts, and phone messages.
  • Cedric the Entertainer. I like when celebrities tell you what they are right in their names. Everyone should do this: Jerry the Janitor. Chuck the Chief Financial Officer. Heath the Mechanic.
    Phil the Columnist.
  • Captain Coward–A superhero whose power is avoiding confrontation.
  • That’s right, son. Ballerinas dance on their tiptoes so they don’t wake the dads in the audience.
  • If you are complaining to someone who has no power to address your complaint, you are seeking validation, not solutions.
  • Too many of us are proud of our map-folding skills in a GPS world.
  • What is “fig urine” and why would I want it on my mantel? Oh. Figurine.
  • If you always reply “LMAO,” why is it still so big?
  • Is anything more satisfying than the sound of emptying the trash on a Mac?
  • When people invite you to their party, they are not looking for company; they want an audience.
  • If you tattooed pimples on your neck, would that make acne cool?
  • I love you to Uranus and back.
    Um, I think you mean the moon.
    Same thing, really.
  • Marriage: When your brother says stupid stuff, your wife thinks it’s funny. When you say stupid stuff, it’s stupid.
  • If you have to keep telling people how crazy and cool you are, you aren’t.
  • How do families manage conversations when they have a kid named Alexa?
  • Back in high school I was embarrassed when I had to wear dirty tennis shoes, torn jeans, plain T-shirts, black-rimmed glasses, and a bad haircut. Now that’s considered cool.
  • Recent solicitation: Your business might be worth more… or less… than you think.
    Mmmkay. And you might be dumber than you know.
  • Pecan pie is the fruitcake of pies.
  • Maybe the year would go better if we didn’t start it by dropping the ball.
  • I used $5 in gas driving to the library to avoid a 10-cent fine.
  • Technically, Oreos and bourbon could be part of a balanced breakfast.

Separately, none of these observations merits a full column. But all together… maybe they still don’t.