July 15, 2020–More thoughts about things that don’t matter…

Proof that time travel will never be invented: We would have been visited by someone from the future by now.

Does anyone else get cuts on their hand and not remember how you got them? Fortunately, using hand sanitizer immediately identifies their location.

We were discussing a student in the special education class.
“Kids like that don’t count,” said a colleague.
“How can you say that?” I screamed. “They are just as important as any kid!”
“No, no. I mean he can’t count. But he can remember everyone he has met over the last three years: their name, birth date, and phone number. Even if he met them only once. He knows the dates of every Civil War battle. He told me the capitals of North and South Dakota, then added that they were divided into two states in 1889. He counts!”

How would you like to go to work every morning to a place called “Cooper Tire & Exhaust?”

Back in 1993, there was a cruel strain of Beijing flu circulating. A colleague commented, “That must be a barrel of laughs… you get so sick you’re afraid you’re going to live.”

There is nothing like a good fire to bring a small town together.

Writers who post about their daily writing tally are as annoying as runners who post their daily running times.

“I had such a bad cold… if I ever caught up with my nose, I’d be in Mexico.” Jamie, the custodian.

I wonder how much damage TV sitcoms did to our childhoods? Those people in Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best, My Three Sons, and The Brady Bunch were nothing like any family I knew.

If life was like radio, we’d start every conversation with “Thank you for taking my call.”

Why aren’t seatbelts required on motorcycles? Why aren’t helmets required in cars?

Don’t wear a red shirt when shopping at H•E•B food store. No, I don’t know where to find the apple cider vinegar.

Every summer, I realize how much I don’t like anything about watermelon. Buying it, carrying it, cooling it, cutting it up, the juice, the seeds, the rinds, and mostly, eating it. It is fruit you serve, as: to be in the service of; work for.

Couples that argue are happier. If your spouse is not mad at you, do they really care?

According to legend, Clark Kent’s mom sewed his Superman costume out of the baby blankets in the space capsule that brought young Kal-El from Krypton. Since his uniform is impermeable to fire, explosions, and acids, how did Ma Kent manage to cut out the patterns and stitch them together? Pa Kent musta had some serious sharpening skills. He was the real Superman.

Hawaii was not a U.S. state when it was attacked at Pearl Harbor.

I’ve met and interviewed dozens of music legends. The only one I’ve taken a selfie with is Ronnie Milsap, and he is the one who asked me to do it. And he’s blind.

I’m suspicious of movements designed to “raise awareness.” They’re always about issues everyone is already aware of.

Saw an ad for a hipster coffee company serving a breakfast item featuring “plant-based sausage patty, aged cheddar cheese, and a cage-free fried egg on artisanal ciabatta bread.”
When did a sausage egg sandwich turn into a word salad?

You know why we love grandkids? They are happy to see you for no reason. Like your dog. Or your spouse before you were married.

If we went back in history and returned land to its original owners, city councils would be all Neanderthal.

“Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.” George Burns