Feb 17, 2021–Maybe we did learn all we really needed to know in Kindergarten. But we still act like we are in junior high.

Men do, anyway. All men over 55 are just 15-year-old boys with bigger bellies. In the intervening 40 years between those ages, any maturity we may have achieved begins sliding backward, leaving us snickering at flatulence jokes and punching our friends in the arm in public.

Just as middle school marks the transition from boyhood to manhood, our “middle age” reverses the process, forcing us to confront the same feelings, doubts, and awkwardness. It’s not pretty.

Here is a list of traits middle-aged men and middle school boys share. We both…

  • Haven’t learned how to talk to members of the opposite sex
  • Are not comfortable with ways our bodies are changing
  • Don’t know where we see ourselves in five years
  • Are figuring out that the people we thought had all the answers, don’t
  • Dress two years behind the current fashion
  • Don’t bother balancing a checkbook
  • Would have no problem sleeping 12 hours a day
  • Crave unhealthy foods
  • Can never find pants that fit
  • Are surprised to be told we need glasses
  • Have joints that ache
  • Would rather eat mac & cheese than gourmet food
  • Resent people in their 30s telling us what to do
  • Never have any money to spend on ourselves
  • Have more fun hanging out with our buddies than with women
  • Find hairs growing out of new places
  • Don’t shower as often as we should
  • Use too much cologne
  • Can’t find the right hair product
  • Are scared of doctors
  • Would rather be sitting in the woods than sitting at a desk
  • Only need one beer to get drunk
  • Have to turn up the music really loud
  • Hate cleaning out our own garage, but will waste a whole weekend helping a friend clean his
  • Throw our dirty socks in the corner
  • Have no idea how to operate a dishwasher or washing machine
  • Are convinced every food is improved with ketchup

I’m sure women could compile a similar list. But I’ll never know, because I still don’t know how to talk to them.