“O wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!”
― Robert Burns
Aug 19, 2026–If someone offered advice on how to improve yourself–your personality, your career, your health, your decisions–for free, immediately, would you take it?
Probably not. Because hearing anyone critique you is not comfortable.
Once we are past the age where your mom tells you to button your collar, stand up straight, and comb your hair, we do not welcome criticism, no matter how well meant. As an adult, the only occasions you are judged is during the dreaded and insipid annual performance review.
It is a desultory experience. Both boss and employee sit and work through the charade, filling out the grid with Acceptable or Unacceptable tick marks about your ability to get along with coworkers, be a self-starter, and take your turn refilling the Keurig.
The awkwardness works both ways. I had the idea when I finally became “the boss” to let the employees review my leadership skills. While they seemed to enjoy racking up a list of my shortfalls, it turned me into a nervous wreck.
Took me right back to getting ready for my First Communion with mom spitting on her handkerchief to clean the jelly off my cheek. The most stinging personal feedback was a staffer who said “you always walk away when we are trying to talk to you about something.” It stung, because that is exactly what I did while they were trying to give me that very feedback.
Once out of the formal workplace, the only times you are judged is when among family. Parents mostly hear about your shortcomings from your kids. At first it is in fun, because the whole family chuckles knowingly at tales of dad locking the thermostat, turning off lights in empty rooms, shutting down the sprinkler under the trampoline, and making everyone order water in the restaurant. At some point it becomes therapy for your children to get over scarring from parsimonious parenting.
I take solace in noting their own children take copious mental notes to use at some future Thanksgiving gathering.
While painful, such blunt feedback from others is beneficial. Whenever I have been criticized, deserved or not, when I work past the initial sting, I often find wisdom that I can use. Yes, I can see how that would be annoying. And yes, I see how you might interpret that action as adversarial. The key is not to deny or defend your personality shortcomings, although that is the reflex.
How do you do that? Here is a trick I learned while taking a grad course in Educational Psychology, of all things. The technique is called “asking for specific feedback.” When someone criticizes you, resist the urge to dig in and deny their premise. Instead, smile and ask for specific reasons. At the first class, our professor sat at the head of the room and challenged students to insult him. After an awkward silence, a brave student started in on him:
“You’re such a square,” the student said (hey, it was the 70s).
“Why do you think I’m a square?” the professor asked.
“Because of the way you dress.”
“How do I dress?”
“I don’t know… your clothes don’t match.”
“Which clothes don’t match?”
“Well… you’re wearing a blue sport coat with brown shoes.”
Eureka! Within three questions asking for specific feedback, the professor had moved the criticism from “being a square” to the fact the student didn’t like brown shoes.
The next time someone insults you, instead of saying, “you’re wrong,” try saying, “tell me why.