July 29, 2026–Is someone missing from your life? Someone you know and love?
What if this is the norm rather than the exception?
Nearly every family I know has or has had one member that has chosen to go off and minimize contact. This behavior falls along a scale of estrangement, from forgetting to remember a birthday or not returning a text, to severing all ties.
It’s a tale as old as time. Or at least the parable of the prodigal son as in Luke, when the younger brother left the farm, squandered his inheritance, and was embraced by his father upon his return.
I’m not sure why we expect a family to have any different relationships internally than we do with folks living in any defined community. I grew up in a family of 11, and over the growing-up years our relationships also grew and changed, forming alliances and separations, with different degrees of interaction, based on nothing, usually.
Often it’s just a process of maturing. I was that kid who left home at 19. It was not so much a rejection of family but a curiosity about the world. I admit I did not put much effort into maintaining lines of communications with home. Maybe I didn’t appreciate at the time what all my parents had provided me. That took a lot longer. But this was my time to leave them.
When I left home for college and a turn on the road as a musician, I literally “left home.” This was in the days before internet and cell phones, so it was considered a natural step in the maturation process for every young person. I missed holidays and celebrations. Sad to say, I also missed funerals for beloved grandparents, aunts, and uncles. First, because I didn’t always know about them, and second, I was often too far away and in no position to get home if I had known.
And that is why I don’t let it bother me if it feels as if someone has cut me out of their life. Because there is nothing I can do about it. As a parent. As a sibling. As a distant cousin. As a guy I play basketball with. That prodigal child will continue on his path until he decides it’s time to return home.
They had their reasons for leaving; they will have their reasons for coming back. Or not.
The fallacy of estrangement is that it is a) preventable, or b) someone’s fault.
It is neither. (Disclaimer: I am not talking about situations that involve abuse, neglect, or criminality.)
As a parent, assuming there is something you can do to change the relationship is like blaming yourself if one of your kids doesn’t like broccoli. Billy likes broccoli; Susie loathes it. They grew up side by side. It wasn’t because of anything you did.
Dr. Jim Fay, that thoughtful counselor who created the Love and Logic series of parenting classes, acknowledged the reality of the distant child. He wisely said all you can do is tell them you love them every time they leave, and welcome them back when they return. Beyond that, it is up to them.
Every child moves toward independence from the first time they crawl out of the room as a baby, to riding a bike, to driving a car. Some just keep going, further or faster. It’s as to be expected as some people will reject broccoli, some will embrace nicotine, some will jump out of airplanes. You can’t control what anyone does; you can only control how you react.
But don’t lock the door. Remember, the prodigal did return.