July 3, 2019–Time for my sesquiannual purge of ideas that don’t rise to column-worthiness.
- Finally figured out why I so viscerally hate puns. Because they impede communications. Puns are annoying distractions from whatever you are trying to say. Plus they never end. Try extracting yourself from a conversation with a punster.
- Father’s Day quote from my child: “When it comes to parenting, dad is always out in left field, but when the ball comes his way he handles it.”
- I don’t believe anything anymore. At a recent family event, I listened to siblings tell three childhood stories about me. Nothing they said matched my memories. And I was there.
- The worst part of aging? Not the ailments, but the remedies–the endless ads for dentures, incontinence, ED, Medicare supplements, and reverse mortgages.
- If heaven is such “a better place” how come no one wants to go?
- As a kid I wondered how people were fooled just by Superman putting on a pair of black glasses. But I’ve had several people not recognize me wearing glasses. I am Clark Kent.
- I hate good listeners. They make me overtalk and say stupid things.
- You can tell a writer by the blue dots at the shirt pocket bottom seam.
- What phenomenon causes sweat pants to come out of the dryer as Mobius constructs?
- When you post 47 photos of your family reunion online, it invokes the same dread as seeing the Kodak Carousel come out at a 1970s dinner party.
- Maybe all those people who warned us about the dangers of reading comic books as kids had a point.
- I’m bracing for a generation of government officials and CEOs named Kaitlyn, Makalya, Brittani, Brandon, Hunter, and Colt.
- At this point in life, my only path to success is some as yet unborn person discovering my songs and writings and making me a cult hero.
- When I asked a husband his secret for staying married 60 years, he said, “I guess it’s more or less doing whatever she told me to do.”
- Isn’t it interesting how now that virtually everyone on the planet holds a personal video recording device, we never see UFOs or Yeti?
- What are we supposed to do when you tell us to “be safe?” There’s a tornado/ hurricane/ hailstorm coming your way… be safe. Give us more to work with.
- Plymouth Voyager is an acronym for “Move a ugly trophy.”
- I notice that millennials who overshare everything on social media, also are the worst at responding to emails, texts, and phone messages.
- Cedric the Entertainer. I like when celebrities tell you what they are right in their names. Everyone should do this: Jerry the Janitor. Chuck the Chief Financial Officer. Heath the Mechanic.
Phil the Columnist.
- Captain Coward–A superhero whose power is avoiding confrontation.
- That’s right, son. Ballerinas dance on their tiptoes so they don’t wake the dads in the audience.
- If you are complaining to someone who has no power to address your complaint, you are seeking validation, not solutions.
- Too many of us are proud of our map-folding skills in a GPS world.
- What is “fig urine” and why would I want it on my mantel? Oh. Figurine.
- If you always reply “LMAO,” why is it still so big?
- Is anything more satisfying than the sound of emptying the trash on a Mac?
- When people invite you to their party, they are not looking for company; they want an audience.
- If you tattooed pimples on your neck, would that make acne cool?
- I love you to Uranus and back.
Um, I think you mean the moon.
Same thing, really.
- Marriage: When your brother says stupid stuff, your wife thinks it’s funny. When you say stupid stuff, it’s stupid.
- If you have to keep telling people how crazy and cool you are, you aren’t.
- How do families manage conversations when they have a kid named Alexa?
- Back in high school I was embarrassed when I had to wear dirty tennis shoes, torn jeans, plain T-shirts, black-rimmed glasses, and a bad haircut. Now that’s considered cool.
- Recent solicitation: Your business might be worth more… or less… than you think.
Mmmkay. And you might be dumber than you know.
- Pecan pie is the fruitcake of pies.
- Maybe the year would go better if we didn’t start it by dropping the ball.
- I used $5 in gas driving to the library to avoid a 10-cent fine.
- Technically, Oreos and bourbon could be part of a balanced breakfast.
Separately, none of these observations merits a full column. But all together… maybe they still don’t.