Oct 13, 2021–As we enter fall wedding season, I have a message for all future brides: no one really wants to go to your wedding.

Sorry to be so blunt. But it’s true. No one. Not your friends. Not your family. Not your bridesmaids. To tell you the truth, even the groom would rather be anywhere else.

But no. You got… “the invitation.”

You cringe when you see that lacy ecru envelope lying on top of your mail. At the very least it means buying a gift that will never be used. At worst it means you have been assigned a job in someone else’s fairytale fantasy.

No one will say it out loud, but weddings are a waste of a Saturday. And it’s usually a good Saturday, in the spring or early fall, when you could be doing almost anything else outside. Like hunting, fishing, planting a garden, crawling through fire ant mounds in a patch of poison ivy.

Even attending a funeral.

Several years ago, while sitting in an uncomfortable pew listening to vows between two people who ended up staying married 18 months, I realized I prefer funerals to weddings.

For one, they are shorter. Two, the food is better. Who serves nuts and mints in miniature cupcake papers?

There are many reasons I’d rather attend a funeral than a wedding:

  • After a funeral, no one insists on hanging around long after the main guest has departed.
  • There is no DJ at a funeral, and no one tries to dance for the first time since the Bee Gees were played at their prom.
  • You don’t need to buy a new suit to attend a funeral. Or even wear socks.
  • No one expects you to bring a gift to a funeral.
  • At a funeral you don’t have to wait until they finish taking pictures before you can eat.
  • At a funeral the deceased doesn’t write his own vows.
  • You’re not embarrassed when you cry at a funeral.
  • At a funeral it’s not awkward if you once dated the guest of honor.
  • And unlike a wedding, you only have to attend one funeral per person.

The Number 1 reason funerals are better than weddings?

After a funeral, you know the suffering is over.